Day Eight Challenge... the Song in Tam's Heart

dear mommy,

i am confused. my heart
shaken,
shattered, then
glued back together in hopes that love would fill the cracks.

but, losing you broke me... bent me backwards... stretched me wide... tangled my limbs and
left me writhing in pain,
left me soiled in the dampness of your resolve,
left me danity, confused,
incoherent to life,
And...
angry at God for taking you away, making you an angel.

so in my Rage, i pawn my memories in order to commit your voice to eternity, marry forever, and bind my sisters in ropes of grief so that we never forget to
love you.
breathe your essence,
feel your presence,
sign your name in tear drops,
and speak your words.

dear chocolate lady,
We are here
Together
ALWAYS...

Day Seven ... Challenge of the Breaking...

sometimes i can feel it swelling,

sometimes i can see it coming,

can even hear the presence of it looming,

right before

smell or taste,

right before

the bow breaks...

right before i realize that remnants of salt from tears not quite cleared from yesterday’s path….

i try to run,

try to hide my thoughts

but i know it’s coming

so…

i brace myself for the

BREAK.

Day Six... Challenge of Writer's Block

i look at them

and

beg them to write,

beg them to pick up pen

and

massage its tip

left to right

across the surface

of paper

without

pause

or

stutter.

Day Five ... Challenge of the Selfie

for so long

i’ve tried to find my voice

so i could dress

it in purpose...

but maybe

i’m searching for the wrong thing,

maybe 

it’s not my voice I’m supposed to be finding…

Day Four... Challenge and Judgement

In lieu of serving jury duty....

Day 4 —Write a story/excerpt to include the line, “Sorry, we can’t insure you for a journey like that.”

i entered a courtroom to find

one judge (white)

one clerk of court (also white)

one court reporter (again white)...

the defense attorney (black)

the defendant (black as well)

and the Assistant District Attorney (also black)...

three bailiffs ... ALL BLACK

“Sorry, but we can’t insure you for a journey like that”.

the defendant a Black Man, early 30s, married, dressed beyond nice,

the charged “carrying a concealed weapon”,

charge definition  –the practice of carrying a weapon (such as a handgun) in public, in a conceal manner, either on one’s person, or in close proximity.

 “Sorry, but I can’t insure you for a journey like that”.

Sorry, but I will not be a part of this determination squad, to set verdict to this a man’s life,

Sorry, but I will not have innocence of lack thereof on my conscience,

Sorry, but I will not send another Black man to prison…

Especially…

For exercising his right to bear arms.

Besides, am I too really trust the word of a police officer who’s motives are concealed?

 “Sorry, but I can’t insure you for a journey like that”.

Day Three... Challenge and Respect

each time i do this i learn something, maybe not learn but rather discover something about my actions. each time i do this i understand more and more that change comes from within and that change is often forced by challenges. so within these 30 days i guess i’m challenging myself in more ways that one. but on day three my thoughts are drowning in respect along with the task... let the day’s challenge begin.

Day 3 —Write about the worst time you’ve ever put your foot in your mouth.

according to the dictionary the definition of  respect is:

esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.

i'm not sure my lover is apt to this definition, in fact i think "respect" is a word we throw around attached to false meanings. i fear you therefore i respect you;  i love you, therefore i respect you; you are my parent, therefore i respect you.... all of the above can be absolutely true without respect being present. the definition shows us differently, and the only thing that keeps ringing in my head is

“esteem for the worth of a person”, “a sense of excellence of a person”

i wanna tell my Lover that she doesn’t respect me, but i already know that it won’t go over well, already know that she won’t receive it, because the weight of it’s truthfulness will be too much for her to handle. i already know that this will be one of those things, she’ll want to sweep under the rug, and the saddest truth is that i’ll let her, all the while knowing that that one simple act will end us. writing this alone is putting my foot in my mouth. but she has to know that i am NOT to be ruled over. God created us from a rib, located on the side of the our bodies, each one to match the next, therefore making us equal. so respect me in that equalness, because i’d rather have respect than loved any day.

the change....

last night I let the thunder beat loudly,

willingly let the fire ignite and burn through

control panes of strength…

i…

allowed the lightening to rain a watery mix of acid and pain

“Relax…. Let it happen…”

“You are safe…it’s ok to be emotional”

but the burn was too much, the itch too great,

the temptation not enough to risk the downfall

the spiraling out of control.

but she wanted me to feel, wanted to see the nakedness of my pain,

things I’m ashamed of and places I won’t go… things I won’t say.

“Relax…. Let it happen…”

“You are safe…it’s ok to be emotional”

then I start to feel like she’s too close, to accessible to my truths and the skeletons laughing behind 

my eyes… the ugliness of past transgressions warped under my skin…

the ugly facts that I hide daily….

the secrets I keep from myself to protect a “me” that doesn’t exist anymore.

i wish I could make her understand that I am only

a Strength of control,

a shell of love and anger,

that is struggling to choose happiness...