So I’m going through my flash drive and I stumble upon a folder that reads “Wedding Plans”… the funniest thing is that I forget it existed, and I hadn’t opened it since April 2010, almost two years ago… I should have deleted it on site but I didn’t I opened the folder and every document it contained… *deepbreathe* Let’s say it put a small damper on my high spirits or maybe I’m just trying to remember to forget what was. It’s sad that one person can change everything you ever thought about things, and what I am now is not exactly who I used to be… Now I am cautious, callous, and calculating… and to make matters worse I have no interest in sharing myself, at least not the way I used too.
See this is the thing…
*deepbreathe* I wanted to have his babies 2, 3, or 4 of them
*deepbreathe* I wanted to bend his realities cast away the past
*deepbreathe* …………………………… but I’m no God
If the truth has to be told… I knew better, but my morals and principles rests in truth, possibilities, justice, righteousness, and second chances… If God lends us second chances shouldn’t man???? I loved him completely regardless of everything, the crimes sentenced, the sins committed, the lies, the nights out, the silent moments that grew cold…
And still …. I wanted to have his babies, wanted to get married, wanted to give life to the dreams we each had and the ones we dreamed up together…I wanted us to be everything beyond what normal people think love is…because to us love was an active experience something you lived, breathed and touched daily…I wanted all the things I never wanted before, and with him those wants materialized into a needs…
So finding the wedding I once started to plan makes me remember how deep and willing I used to be… Seeing all that loved displayed on my PC’s screen reminded me that one day, I’d like to experience it again even though, parts of me know it will never happen!!!!
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