WindowSeat

Erykah Badu is singing in my background and instead of letting it play I rewind or fast-forward to the chorus and I sing…“can I get a window seat, don’t want nobody next to me… I just want a ticket out of town, a look around and a safe touch down”

And then I realize that I want to escape, a GRAND escape…a “Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego” escape...a nobody knows where I am escape… an escape that includes post cards that read “Hello, I am Safe”, and letters to my children that say “I love you and I’ll be home soon, voice mails that utter I miss you, and emails that read “Backpacking through Europe”…


“Sooooo…. can I get a window seat, don’t want nobody next to me… I just want a ticket out of town, a look around and a safe touch down…:”




The honest truth is that I was never met to be anchored and maybe this would explain why I only feel a sense of home around my children… I know I don’t belong to any particular place, but I believe I belong to the movement of trees on windy nights, swaying in and out of freedom’s warmth …or maybe I belong to the ocean where my ebbs flow to distances pass forever, swirling in passionate crests, that tide the beaches with caress…


Drifting…

“can I get a window seat, don’t want nobody next to me… I just want a ticket out of town, a look around and a safe touch down…


I wanna get to that place where my body is allowed to melt into a cloud and mate with raindrops…. Or maybe that place past the horizon, beyond night, and just before heaven where I can walk meadows of lilac and admire my purple footprints…


“can I get a window seat, don’t want nobody next to me… I just want a ticket out of town, a look around and a safe touch down…


I’d like one ticket,
out of town,
going nowhere in particular,
just away from here…


long enough to miss and be missed

Thoughts/Feelings .vs. People

                                                             My writing energy is at an ALL TIME LOW!!! I don’t know what’s keeping me but I feel compelled to write about People, thoughts, and feelings and the truth about them. I may be venting but I have noticed that most of us Live in the Context of our thoughts, we expect everybody to say, think and do what we would say, think, and do…How is that living or enjoying who someone really is if you are expecting something that is impossible?????

Example…

                                              In short, I made a comment and explained what my thoughts and feelings were. The person looks at me and says, “I would have never said that to you”, My thoughts were well I don’t expect you too since you’re not me and I’m not you, but because they said their feelings were hurt I kept that part to myself. But it has been gnawing at me for days…why is it so important for people to say and do what others think they should. Can’t you love/like/befriend someone because of the differences, their sheer uniqueness, and try to understand them in the terms they live in and not your own. I thought people owned their own thoughts and feelings and were free to think according to whatever tone they choose?


                            I am a lot of things and at the same time I’m not a lot of things…I’m in repair… I let people be free to think, feel, and do as they please, I want to like you for the person you are not the person I want you to be. If my feelings get hurt in the process help me understand the logic of your thinking so I understand not change to comfort me.


             For these reasons I don’t share my thoughts or feelings they are private, and most people don’t understand them or want to take the time to understand, because they are too busy trying to hear what they want you to say, so why say anything?

We have two ears and one mouth for a reason…

Therefore I am quick to think and slow to speak …

phone bill priority

It would seem as if lately this is a place I come too to vent, and I guess that would be true but at least I’m writing something because for so long I haven’t pressed fingers against keyboard or mated pen with paper and besides… I promised to write whatever there was to write so, we’ll all have to bear with each other and hope that all parties involved are appreciative.

Where do I start this time???

…. At the beginning….

If quiet is kept and the loud mouth is forbidden to speak, then the truth can be set on display… that truth is I set my ex-Love up at times… and maybe it can’t be called a set up but I ask him to do things I know he probably won’t do, and sometimes I am surprised when he comes through. I didn’t realize this until just now, but I test him from time to time… See the thing is “he” says “he’s” ready to come home, ready to have his family back, so I test the theory to see how ready “he” is… I even check with his mother to see if “he’s” been the father “he should” be to “his children”, and every time “he” fails the temperature check… fast forwarding to the present I ask if “he” would pay my phone bill… Conversation starts and “he” agrees first asking how much $50, followed by can I pay it where I am? Where are you? In Richmond. Yes Love, is my response. OK, I’ll take care of it Baby, called ended… I call back around midnight and “he” doesn’t answer, and I already know that “he” didn’t take care of it; I already knew that when yesterday preceded into today, I would awake to disconnected services.


So the question is why does it matter, or why did you ask if you already knew the outcome… Both questions have the same answer: because it was a Chance… People give each other chances every day without even telling them. We test each other and never speak of it… We seek to know the true intentions of a person; we yearn to know if we are truly a priority. In my case I already knew the answer… See the thing is “my ex-Love” still resides in my heart and I talk myself into believing that if “he” fails enough tests, and if I give myself enough chances to see who “he” really is then I can out maneuver him and reclaim my heart, somehow I can prove “he” isn’t worthy of my love, affection and devotion, and then I will be able to rinse him from my heart. Am I mad “he” didn’t pay the phone bill? No. Am I upset my phone is off? No.

I’m only saddened to know that I am truly not a priority,

yet “he” would have me

“THINK” that I am…

exiting friendship

Friendship is a tricky thing… you go up, down, in and out and instead of just being you have to work at and through life! One would assume that being a friend is easy, because all you have to do is be there… But friendship is a tricky thing…it’s easier than being a mother, father, sister, or brother tied together in blood. Friendship is conditional when you’ve had enough you can simply walk away, things can be undone, broken, cast away and left to rot…friendship is a tricky thing…

And sometimes just sometimes there are friendships that last, friendships that cross the conditional lines and evolve into foundations of concrete… sometimes there are friendships that have bled and screamed, laughed and cried over scattered dreams that life managed to destroy. Sometimes in those foundations of concrete a pact is forged, because the needy are hungry and the quiet need voices… sometimes friendships last and sometimes they are deaded, like unclaimed corpses left in the morgue…

Friendship is a tricky thing there are rules, boundaries, and conditions… that involve jealousy, commitment, and love… sometimes there is an ending, sometimes there is a beginning, and sometimes things are left in limbo, and sometimes there’s only silence.

 Friendship is a tricky thing different from relation, there is a choice in the matter, and today I am making the choice to withdraw, a slow drawing of the curtain followed by the dimming lights that will finish in silence and darkness. Friendship doesn’t always mean forever sometimes it’s just in the mean time for a season or until this storm is over!

 I’ve been toying with this for a while but I have grown out of my circle, there’s nothing there for me… no motivation, no putting together of ideas, just contentment, and no growth, just more of the same. As I learn, grow, and want to explore, and research the new ideas inside of me I realize that I am not on the same page. They are still trending in the past while I am swimming to a future. I need to be surrounded by people with are going to where I want to go or are already there. People that are focused, ambitious, motivating…people who congregate in coffee houses and discuss things I’ve never thought about!

    Friendship is a tricky thing… and now it’s time for me to make myself scarce and fade into invisibility….

Farewell